turning point...or breaking point?

first teacher mutters at me.... "you're NOT puttin enough effort. ....Charlotte! you can definitely do better than this! you better ask more questions and talk less!"

second teachers acknowledges me..." you should not sit there and talk to your fren , jialerk. sit over there! you have potential to do better.so try harder!"

third teacher comments... " charlotte , thats your name right? nice name."

i'm thinking...." wad a day...please let it end quick!"

for the last few days, my mood has been really bad but in a way still very approachable. just think me as a volcano, bubbling inside but calm looking outwards. i NEARLY lost my cool just now to a pal who i refuse to speak cuz i just dun feel like wasting my energy on her rhetoric questions and lame comments.... sai hei!

Max is a dolt. you can think you're bloody smart and put the blame on the gurl but you forgot, thats me. sorry if i was cold but i'm not sorry that i dumped you first. i told you a million times, i hate lies! HATE HATE HATE lies... you think some lie based on popularity and material things are gonna impress me? again...u got the wrong gurl. i'm glad ur stripped off that title as boyfren. things were so much better when we were just plain platonic pals. orite? its a take or leave offer. no negotiations.

i cant believe it... just four more months till the big day! = SPM! omg omg omg! how i wish i had a button to make me soooo obsessed in studying! MAKE ME STUDY! ARGHHHHH!

i guess this is the turning point of every high skewl student's life = wad to do/study after spm. i thought about mine for a long time and still i'm at the T-junction. thank gudness i'm not at a cross road! with a simple decision to make for later, i began to think about the funding part. i know my parents are going to struggle like a fish outta water to pay so... maybe i might work until the second intake. i might be late by a few months or probably a year when graduating but i really dun feel like adding on the burden. with some pay, at least i can lighten the load off their shoulders. and yea, i'm trying to get the best results i possibly can to ,if lucky, obtain a scholarship.

hmm.... question is = will i do as i stated? i have no idea. really. haahaa!

reluctant yet willing...not!

well, i got another puppy! and its a Dalmation mix Japanese Spitz! and i named it Mushroom! but the rest of the family calls it... Sparky. o well, its still a puppy. its really cute lah! we bought it for its unique mix of breeds and for its perfect black spot on its back of white fur! she's got a black head, white body and just one black spot on its back. the rest of the body is pinkish.
anyway, on the same day... i reluctantly went out to watch a movie with Kelvin, who recently returned from USA. Not that i don't want to go out with HIM, but i just felt reli akward goin out with HIM and HIS GF. he called me at seven thirty a.m. on a Sunday! i was happily sleeping when i distinctly heard a piano playing a wonderful tune~ MY HANDPHONE! i got up groggily and found my hp cheerfully ringing on top of the make up table. how on earth did it get there!? nvm.... screen blips at me ---> unidentified number. perfect...a stranger...

"H..ello?"
" Hai... you know who is this?"
" O hi Kel, how are you... *emphasise one the very sleepy tone*"
"you still sleeping? wanna go out and watch a movie?"
" hmmm *darn sleepy lah!* okie... see first orite?"
" we go out and watch a movie ok? my girlfren also going."
" i think u shud spend quality time with ur gf la...maybe sum other time la"
" u sleep first la...then tell me whether u can come or not ok?"
" ok...gudnite. *quickly pushes the END button and dashes for the bed*"

after shopping at the morning flea market, where i got my darling Mushroom... " mom. i'm going out to watch a movie with frens" there at the cinema, i met up with the luv birds. i really didnt want to be the spotlight..but wad d heck, i thought : lets get this over with!

The Fast and The Furious : Tokyo Drift . PERFECT! how wonderful. this is probably the best Sunday i had in years*sarcasm* .... (approx 3 hrs later) okok...i like the movie. i admit it. i thot it was a another car racing movie. but it turned out reli gud! i like the twists in characters and the plots. and my favourite car? hehee! the black Nissan 350Z...took my breathe away man....

i luv Han! hahahaha! but why!? WHY !? WHY!? did Han have to die?! omg! i wanted to weep in grief! nvm...dun wanna spoil the movie fer anyone... heehee!

sporty new do to silent wars

i sat there looking at a black but round object hovering about in the front of my class.... HUH?! *slurps back drool* Mr Kellson , our economic teacher marching left to right while waiting for the whole class to be present after lunchtime. i was half blind without my glasses. i was sleeping my noon-nap and picked up my ruby red glasses to see my teacher sporting a new hairdo.

his classic old man do has been cut into a nearly bald do with a couple of natural spots and bare lines which nearly resembled a football. " oh well, he wants to celebrate the football season, i guess~" i dun reli FEEL the football season spirit! *sobz*

i'm kinda annoyed at the way my mom is facing problems in the office. i really do. my dad had renovated the back portion of the house to accomodate the new office. most of us thought it was a good idea since the back of the house is rather empty and is hardly ever used so this was a great idea. now she grumbles and blabs about the staff and office problems! *shrieks in frustration* geez, i know all about it, mom! this is the time u've said it to me!

my silent battle with Melody is still going on. its...only two weeks? haahaa! i dun regret or feel bad. she brought this unto herself. too bad. i'd rather have her come up to me and confront me! dont go around telling others about ur problem with me! wads worse is you've got your facts wrong. and another mistake is, you're telling people who, only you think, are your frens. they really cant stand your attitude, take the hints! geez! we have probably given u a million hints by now!

okok. chill. i read Dato Tan Chin Nam's book - Never Say I Assume! its a pretty gud read!
chillin' to : FIVE FOR FIGHTING - SUPERMAN

waiting in the dark

i have to admit:- i'm in a very ..indecisive or torn up kinda mood. my mood reflects of the picture.... all black with an undercurrent of explosive emotions, all these mingled about. bleurgh! i'm mixed about tht too.



Now first of all, I Want to let you know that,I've been known for some major moodswings now and then

Bad relationships and people I thought were friends and people judging me before they get to know a thing

When they decide to step to me, it shows me so clearly you just wanna see, see the other side of me

And you don't know what i'm going through and you might think it's all about you

I tried to keep my cool, thus, thats what i tried to do but it's so hard dealing with people just like you

I try to run away from situations that run into complications that make me lose control

If I give into you then it's what you want me to do; And if lose my cool then I'm only pleasing you
You know just how to push me; My temperature is rising; Blood pressure is building; I'm about to lose control

yet here i am, waiting around for you to see you once more..again..and again, just once more.


grooving with : Christina Aguilera - The Voice Within

crash and burn...

its been quite hectic these few days. OMG! wad am i talking abt!? its been hectic since the first day of form five! ... alot of homework and projects to be done and passed up next week! and i think i'm not even twenty percent done! and why am i online!? lets see...cuz i need a bloody break!

the skewl principle must have some heady excitement for sadism.EVERY school holiday, she DEMANDS! that we attend skewl for half a day and then goes on about her 'generosity' of letting us have class for only SIX hours than to the usual TEN hours in school. yeah...rite! thanks alot! *rolls eyes*

oh! the third floor ceiling crashed! haahaa! we were sitting around, just chatting when we heard a LOUD crash and somebody's scream. the loud noise consisted of crumbling cement, tiles shattering and thundering of zink. the whole form ran out to see the second stairway ceiling all over the walkway and some amount of debri on the roof down below on the first floor. YAY! the skewl is falling apart! WOOOT! every evil students dream! *chants : the skewl is falling apart! * muahahahaha!

ok. this is a very ..~sensitive~ subject. does knowledge really give one power? is being a top student all that matters in school? answering both of that questions....answer this :does being the top student mean that we, normal students have to be your friend? follow your lead? support you? and most of all, HELP you in your studies? without any help returned?

being the top student has been and still is my goal in school or in the near future, college and university. through pre-school and primary school, i've happily accepted that me and my friends were the top students. often being described as friendly and helpful, we perceived a mental image of top students being a bunch of nice but still goody-two-shoes people. o well, i guess those were the days huh? the innocent and luvly days when everything were in your grasp if u put your mind to it, in studies and sports.

Now, i found that things change not for the better but for the worst when the top student in the high school i'm currently studying are kiasu, hypocritic, arrogant and down right low bitch who think she's on top of the world. notice, i've mentioned 's-t-u-d-e-n-t' with no 's' at the end...which means i'm centering on ONE person. no..i'm not finding a reason to fight. haahaa! i'm in a gurls skewl aka virgin mall so gurl fight is a norm. she being the top student, never having a problem with any student in studies, was living in her own dream world. i came into this damned school in form three and if i may so myslef, i ruined her dream world that year till now. i think she is reaching her breaking point anytime soon. so am i.

my problem with her? like i said. she is her own world, complete with slave-like students and adoring teachers. this is where i came into that 'perfect world' of hers. i conquered english that year. whoopedo! she was in a fit. why so angry, babe? its JUST one subject la. take a chill pill. Now, i'm still wearing the crown for english, EST, economics and believe it or not....same scores for science. hahaa! i was praying so hard that she would not enter the economic stream but she did.

if she was oh-so-smart, why didnt she enter the science stream? i had to sit beside her for the whole form four year. there was constant bickering and ignoring , pure hell or war of souls. she is the the smartest student...i am stating it! i have nothing againtst that fact! BUT!!!

• dont go commanding me around like i'm one of your slaves.
• dont bother asking me for help when you already know the solution.
• dun think about scolding me as if i'm weaker than you are.
• in fact, you have got the wrong person to be in trouble with.
• you're not a person with original personality! all u do is copy others and paste unto urself! it'll come off anyway! i cant wait to see that day!

not only am i in disageement in the education field, i'm getting sick of her manners and lack of personality or originality. when i was a new student, i was just a normal student with no title and position. she had her way because i had nothing against her yet. lets just say, i had a reputation to maintain as a new student. that was the year when the six of us were gud buds. we talked ,studied and all together but i still held back when it came to her. form four was the year she revealed her true colours. me and Maydeline went out often as we were best gurl friends. she tagged along and soon was asking us a series of questions like, can i see your stuff at home? help me buy clothes? ...the list goes on.

so we did, thinking it as innocent curiosity. the next thing you know, she was asking us to tag along HER! to buy clothes and accessories for HER! and then she turns to me for make up!? and then takes both of us to tell her about fashion and hadphones!? like wad the...?! get a life! she bought accessories and make up that are so similiar to me and May's collections!! *prays for patience*

i hate people like that and often stayed away. i'm not the only one with problems with her. i thank God fervently i'm no longer sitting beside her this year. but she decidedly took her seat with May, who was scared to voice her objection, now sits in total misery. sorry babe, cant save you from that one. haahaa! the class is often agitated by her know-it-all attitude. group work is a pain as she starts off as a follower then if all goes well, she tries to be the leader in the end to take credit. how can a human be so low?!

• she asks help for homework? get an idiot to help u.
• she boasts her intelligence and adoration by teachers and friends.... FRIENDS?! she has no friends anymore.
• it may be cruel...but her so called friend are students like me, withstanding her and just letting her do as she please to stay outta trouble.
• honestly, i'm about to give her a piece of my mind reli soon!

furballs and careerpaths...

got up at six am and the two puppies were yapping like a two guns going off!

"ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow !"

i ran downstairs in only my huge white and blue shirt *blushes* to let them go play in the garden so that the neighbours wont complain. the two puppies(yet to be named) happily rolled and stumbled unto the grass and quickly tackled each other with energetic biting and pulling!

i bought the two furballs while doing my Sunday Flea Market shopping. they were tied to an umbrella stand along with alot more pups. me,my sis and an 'older brother' felt reli sad fer it and asked fer the price. "one for RM130" i cud have fainted! hell, these are just sandy coloured dogs(kampung dogs)! i asked fer the best price for a pair. and after haggling fer about 5 minutes...i got a yummy price! the sweet two pups for just RM 140. heehee! i know its still expensive but its worth it la. some other chinese man bought it after us! so yea...i think its bcuz of the way they were tied together that made us feel the urge of 'saving ' them!

i laughed happily at their amusing antics but stopped automatically when seeing an old man looking at me at the window of the opposite house. i kinda noticed that.... well, like i stated earlier...i was only in my sleeping shirt. i kept my kewl and zipped back into the house..."dirty old man!"

i thot walking to skewl wud be a gud idea cuz a change once in a while is kinda refreshing. it was a cloudy morning, rather breezy. the whole walk thingy made me very...thoughtful? maybe...dreamy. allrite, so i walked for fifteen minutes and later caught up by Hana. she's a petite pretty gal with a real sweet face. haahaa! we talked and within minutes reached the premises of the skewl.

Moral Studies was such a bore! i was nodding off the whole two hours... YaWNz...*drools while dreaming of Chad Micheal Murray*

"FONG! simpankan beg itu! cikgu tau kelas nie boring! hahaha! jgan tidur! kita patut mengamal....nilai...bla bla" she is one of my favourite teacher. really funny and realistic.

i've been told to make my choice really soon about my career path....ambition. i'm still thinking of business but recently after researching more about other possible careers i might be able to excel...its business management then venture into hotel management. or then again i'm thinking of something simple yet still challenging: modern farming (aquaculture and agroculture). wad about architecture and designing? i guess these are just the few i can think that i am willing to learn and do. for a living. in the future.... gosh, thts a scary thought.

I feel that friends are such a blessing to me. But a best friend, is a rare privilege that not many of us are given with. Its like a prince being crowned the king yet not all princes become kings…so yeah, I feel that I’m blessed and given this rare privilege to have friends and best friends.

Let just say, I’ve evolution-ized. Haahaa! I became very sociable and gained gradual confidence day by day after I left KL. It was hard not to! I came back to my hometown with healthy faith in God, a secure relationship with my best friends all around, and a happy family. I applaud myself now when I look back in my third year in high skewl. I got results I reli thought I cud not have achieved. Everybody was proud and I was happy.

Things kinda crumbled when I entered the fifth and final year of high skewl.

Problems surfaced in the company which we thought were impossible as the senior staffs we have employed for the last three decades and they had shown unquestionable loyalty, have been suspected and is showing signs of fraud. They were given shares of the company as token of gratitude and appreciation of loyalty to my father after the depression of the economy a decade ago. They went on for nearly two years without pay but still worked hard. Its painful to know tht they have recently been found committing offences under the company’s name. After being found out, they began to threaten to take over the company. I know my mom and elder sister is worried and angry, so am I but sumhow,dad isn’t too bothered! He had hinted that he is tired of runnin this business and wants to continue his new one instead.I want to fight for this company because heck! Its also a part of my life! It suppose to be a huge part of his life too! He breathed life into this company and I grew up amongst it! From a speck of dust till it’s a full fledged building! He worked like an obsessed man to make his dream come true! And now that it is true, why not keep it alive? Than to discard it?! Oh gosh….i dunno.

Then I had a minor but disturbing exchange of words with my best friend. Being concerned when I sensed that sumthing was amiss, I questioned him. Being blasted for a reply, I left him alone to give him space. Honestly hurt, I still gave him the benefit of the doubt n waited for an explanation or an apology. I waited for days. Nothing. I asked gently and again, we had a misunderstanding. Most people pointed fingers but I cudnt be bothered. I sent a mail to him and the reply was one word- “sorry”. I thought all would be all right. Hah, what a naïve thought! My hp still doesn’t ring of his sms and my messenger doesn’t bleep of his message. I really cant say tht I’ve lost another best friend cuz I hardly give up on anything I’ve committed myself to, be it human or life goals. I don’t want to lose this special friend. I give so many reasons for this misunderstanding to resolve, tho knowing that things don’t usually come out the way I want it. But at least I’ll try my best. Yet people tell me to let go and its like a bucket of cold water dumped over my head. Dunt YOU fight for wad u reli cherish or want?! I dun want to lose a frien, or a best friend in this case. I dun wanna lose those memories and another part of my life again. I know how it feels and its like reliving the wounds in the past but twice the pain.

Now, becoming a tad distant and cold with a best friend is a distasteful ordeal for me. When I totally lost my first best friend. I lost a part of my vibrant childhood life too. Learning my lesson, I promised myself never to let myself feel that pain again. It was great to have best friends once again. It is a state of constant warmth and security I want and need. These special frenships has an effect on me which is not overpowering nor is it too scant, it satisfies both parties. ;)

For two weeks, I felt blue…or black. Whichever is appropriate. I decided to cheer myself up by signing up for the skewl badminton competition. I smiled when I signed up. I haven’t played in years! But I know I’ve always loved it and had excelled in it before. I thought: “ why not? Its not like I’ll win a hundred dollar cash prize”…it’ll cheer me up!it was set on a Tuesday, and I had fun being both the referee and the player. In the middle of the game, my handphone had rung of an sms. I ignored it, thinking it was a skewl mate asking how’d the game had gone. After the games, I felt exhilarated and cycled home. That euphoria that glowed about kinda dissipated after discovering Clyde had passed away I checked my inbox and it clearly stated he died and I just burst into tears. It was like losing another best friend. I just sat at the porch with tears running down my face, looking at an empty doghouse and garden.